The Zombie Writer’s Guide to Sleep: A Not-So-Subtle Wake-Up Call
Once upon a time, things were simple. Humans had this brilliant arrangement with the universe: hunt when the sun’s up, draw some cool cave art in the afternoon, then crash at night with a cozy bonfire keeping the monsters away. Night shifts? That was exclusive VIP access for owls and lions only. Everyone had their time slot. It was beautiful.
Then we invented electricity, deadlines, and Netflix.
Now we’re all walking around like caffeinated zombies, our bloodshot eyes fixed on screens that never sleep. We’ve somehow convinced ourselves that rest is for the weak, that we can outsmart millions of years of evolution with another espresso shot and a motivational quote about hustling.
Here’s the thing about writers specifically (yes, you, the one reading this at 3 AM): We’re especially terrible at this. We sit indoor like cave-dwelling hermits, except our caves have WiFi and our bonfires are replaced by the harsh glow of laptop screens. We hold our heads searching for ideas, occasionally forgetting to shower (let’s be honest here), and treat sleep like it’s an optional software update we can keep postponing.
But here’s the brutal truth: your sleep-deprived brain is about as creative as a potato. When you don’t sleep:
- Your mind bounces around like a caffeinated pinball
- You stare at blank documents with the intensity of a confused goldfish
- You write sentences that make sense only to other sleep-deprived zombies
- You develop an unhealthy relationship with your coffee maker
And while you can always earn back lost money (hello, freelance gigs), you can’t easily recover two things: your character and your health. Trust me, no one wants to read a story written by a cranky zombie who hasn’t slept since Obama was president.
Let’s break it down for the sleep-resistant among us:
Good Sleep = Clear Brain = Creative Ideas = Money
Bad Sleep = Zombie Brain = Garbage Ideas = Sad Bank Account
If you’re reading this while fighting sleep, here’s a prophecy: Tomorrow, when you’re staring at your screen trying to remember what words are, my voice will echo in your head. You’ll want to send me a thank-you note, but I won’t read it immediately because I’ll be sleeping like a baby. (Don’t worry, I’ll respond after my full eight hours.)
So here’s your new mantra, dear fellow word-wranglers: “Sleep tight and sleep right, or write like shite.”
Now, close your laptop, put down your phone, and go to bed. Those words aren’t going anywhere — but your sanity might if you don’t get some rest.
P.S. If you’re still reading this instead of sleeping, you’re proving my point.