“Big boys don’t cry.”
How many times have we heard that? Society drills into boys that emotions are weaknesses and that real strength means silence. But what does this do to men who carry unspoken fears, frustrations, and feelings? Why do many men remain silent about their inner worlds, and what are the real consequences?
From a young age, boys are surrounded by messages that emotions should be “handled” quietly. “Man up,” “don’t be so sensitive,” and “take it like a man” push a narrative that discourages vulnerability. Yet, as writer Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie observed, “Culture does not make people. People make culture.” This conditioning forms a cage, one where emotional openness is not forbidden outright but highly discouraged.
The Double Bind: Vulnerability vs. Respect
Imagine this scenario: a man opens up about feeling overwhelmed to a friend, only to be met with discomfort, a change of subject, or outright dismissal. “It’ll pass,” they say, or worse, “stop overthinking.” Here’s the double bind: expressing emotions can mean risking ridicule, but silence leads to isolation.
Many men may feel that sharing makes them vulnerable to judgment, both from other men and even from loved ones. In a society where strength is equated with stoicism, vulnerability can feel like gambling on respect and acceptance.
Key Point: Men often fear being perceived as weak, worrying that emotional openness might cost them the respect of others.
The Burden of Bottling It Up
While men may seem composed outwardly, suppressing feelings can wreak havoc internally. Studies show that this suppression leads to stress, anxiety, and even physical health issues like heart disease. Harvard psychologist Susan David writes, “Avoiding emotional truth is avoidance of growth.” The weight of unexpressed emotions doesn’t dissipate; it manifests in other ways, like anger, addiction, or strained relationships.
- Mental Health Impact: Repressed emotions are strongly linked with depression and other mental health struggles.
- Relationship Strain: Partners often feel disconnected, feeling shut out of the man’s emotional world.
- Self-Isolation: The habit of silence can lead to self-isolation, where the need to “stay strong” becomes a lonely experience.
As unresolved emotions build up, they often spill over in unexpected ways. This pressure-cooker effect makes life harder both for men themselves and for those around them.
So, if silence has so many consequences, why do we still expect it? How can we shift from a culture of stoicism to one of openness?
Encouraging men to embrace vulnerability starts with changing the narrative. Brené Brown once said, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up.” Rather than viewing vulnerability as a flaw, we must recognize it as an act of courage.
Here are a few steps society can take to encourage more open dialogue:
- Redefine “Strength”: Emphasize that true strength isn’t about hiding emotions but about confronting and understanding them.
- Create Safe Spaces: Friends, family, and partners can foster safe spaces where feelings can be shared without judgment or advice unless asked for.
- Modeling Openness: Public figures, mentors, and loved ones who show vulnerability can inspire others to do the same.
Reminder: Vulnerability isn’t a weakness; it’s the ultimate form of self-acceptance and strength.
Not all men struggle with expressing emotions. More and more are embracing openness, challenging outdated notions of masculinity. “Real men cry,” some say. This push toward open emotional expression has sparked a much-needed reevaluation of how we define masculinity. Men who break the mold show us that silence isn’t a universal trait but rather a choice — and choices can be changed.
As men open up, society must respond positively. The fear of ridicule must be replaced with empathy. The more people who step up to offer support and understanding, the more men will feel encouraged to share their inner lives.
Asking men to open up is more than an invitation for them to be vulnerable; it’s a call for us all to show empathy and acceptance. By dismantling the cage of stoicism, we offer men the chance to live more authentically.
As Rumi once said, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” By embracing this truth, we can create a world where vulnerability is not a risk but a pathway to deeper connection, understanding, and strength.